Obesity: A Big Issue Essay

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Obesity: A Big Problem (See what I did there) I'm never one to shy away from important, controversial subjects. So it's time for a look at the health issue that's caused the Grim Reaper to hire a tow truck: obesity. A word of warning: if you're a fat person and you're offended by this article, I apologize—it's just a joke.... And if you don't accept my apology, I don't care—you'll never catch me! Now, on to the meat of the article—and it's very meaty indeed today. I suppose I had better provide some pictures to stimulate your budding imaginations: [pic] [pic] Notice the similarities between these two specimens. [pic] This child's moobs (man-boobs) provide a perfect habitat for small woodland creatures that love dark, damp conditions. Weight Watchers are actually endangering these species by making people slim. Fat people face tough lives. Many die young from childhood obesity. It is a pressing problem, because the little fatties get their arteries clogged up and die an early death when they collapse on the floor in a giant, spongy heap, incapable of continuing their journey through life while several tons of blubber cling to their frame, concentrated fat builds up in their veins, and every time they need to crap, a new challenge arises: they must first locate their anus, remove the obscuring rolls of fat, then squeeze out a particularly large crap through their vitamin-deprived colon, resulting in a backed up toilet and a large amount of brown water splashing up against their fatty bums. I protect myself from fat murderers like her by taking a bag of diversionary donuts wherever I go. But fat people also bring great joy to society. Their very appearance is fantastically comedic: the bloated faces; the way the rolls of fat gather on their arms; the huge breasts; the way they waddle, shifting their enormous weight from side to side as they struggle to walk;

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