I Like Being A Mess

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I liked being a mess. The desk that should have been clear so I could do my homework was always besieged with home-made posters that were never hung up, old magazines, and Post-it notes I had forgotten to remember. My floor was a vacuum in itself, eating anything entering my room. It consumed sweaters, stuffed animals, socks, underpants. When I occasionally did laundry, I would dig up clothes I couldn't even recall purchasing. My shelves overflowed with containers of little odds and ends: hair bands, comic books, action figures, loose mints, coins, earring backings. I couldn't always see these things, but I knew that they were safe, nestled somewhere on a shelf. Like old friends in a phone book, I figured that someday I would find all the loose…show more content…
I tried taking a shower, scrubbing myself with every body wash and bar of soap I could find. I brushed my hair and my teeth, but didn't feel any cleaner. I checked my e-mail, which was empty. I checked the DVR to see if any new shows had been recorded, but I had already seen everything. I went downstairs and found my sister playing video games, and my mom on the phone – everyone in their right place. “Mom, Something doesn’t feel right. I keep getting this feeling like something is missing.” I said. “Well maybe, for once in your life, you should clean your room. It might get your mind off of…show more content…
I remembered that winter how my stuffed animal, Spot, had fallen behind my dresser and I hadn't noticed until I caught the repulsive scent of his fur burning against the heater, until it was too late and he was permanently covered in brown spots. I suddenly felt sympathy for everything in my room that I had buried, never to be seen again. Lost items I had blocked out for years made their way back into my consciousness: my favorite yellow tank top, the picture of my mom and me on that boat in Mexico, my Pokémon card collection. I had an urge to dive under my bed and uncover everything lurking in the murky depths of dust, and to climb up into the highest corners of my closet and rescue items that had been mingling with the spiders. The innocent piles were growing higher and higher until they were looming monsters before my eyes. They were threatening to swallow me

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