Frank Lesser: The Joy Of Unicorns

689 Words3 Pages
Hey, preteen girls, put down the rock 'n' roll music records and listen up! If you give up your virginity before you get married, you'll miss out on something far better than sex: befriending a unicorn. The little-known fact is, every abstinent teen gets her own unicorn as her BFF. Why do you think good girls don't mind 9 p.m. curfews? I'll give you one hint: unicorn slumber parties!!! You see, in medieval times, a virginal maiden would sit alone in the woods until a unicorn, enchanted by her purity, approached and laid its head in her lap. At which point, the waiting hunters would reveal themselves, and presto—unicorn kebabs. Of course, nowadays most unicorn meat comes from factory farms, which means wild unicorns can spend their free time teaching virtuous girls how to wear makeup without looking cheap. The only reason abstinence promoters don't tell everyone about this is because then we'd run out of unicorns.…show more content…
Click image to expand. Frank Lesser considers the unicorn I know about the joy of unicorns firsthand. When I was a teenage girl, my best friend was a majestic unicorn. Arondel would let me ride him and braid his mane, and we'd stay up all night dishing about our Bible crushes. (For the record, I was crazy about Judas. I guess I like the bad boys!) Of course, now that I'm married to my Lutheran summer camp counselor Peter, Arondel and I only meet up for coffee a couple of times a year, and the conversation always feels a bit forced. You might be wondering, "If you're telling the truth, then why haven't I ever seen a unicorn before?" That's a very good question. You're a very smart little girl. Good luck trying to find a husband! The reason there are so few unicorn sightings today isn't because they are mythical creatures that never existed, but because of modern society's moral depravity. This is why you will never see Lady Gaga riding a unicorn. In fact, she'd be lucky if she got to split a milk shake with a
Open Document