The Boss Essay

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Have you called up an office and a computer answers your call? Doesn't it drives you nuts? Thank God, we don't do that at our office. But imagine for a moment that we do. (I read this somewhere and added my crazy ideas.) "Hello! Wecome to our Office hotline!" "For English, press 1." "For Filipino, pindutin ang numero 2." "For Taglish, i-press mo ang number 3." "For Swardspeak or Chiswisang Backlush, chokorvahin eynimomentz! Chika! Shinorwag! Anafay tinafay monay! Gorah na! I-fress ang numver Quatroooo! Tsugi!" (After choosing your language, the computer will give another set of options.) "If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly." "If you are a co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you." "If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4 and 5." "If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call." "If you are schizophrenic, a small voice will tell you which number to press." "If you are depressed, it doesn't matter what you press, no one will answer." "If you think you're a chicken, peck on 6." "If you think you're a teapot, use your spout to press 7." "If you think you're Elvis Presley, press anything you want. You're king." "If you think you're the Pope, press anything as well. You're infallible and you'll never make a mistake." "If you think you're God, hang up. Just talk to our souls directly." "If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your Social Security number, Tax ID number, residence certificate number and the full name of your Grade 3 English teacher." "If you believe in reincarnation and our phones are busy, you can call us in another lifetime." "If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9." Just kidding... THANKS FOR

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