Life with My Mother

869 Words4 Pages
As a child we look up to our elders and are convinced they are invincible. We see them as our rock; someone we view as the foundation in our lives. When I was younger I never fathomed losing my grandmother. I realize that someday we all will meet our demise but it seems like those we love are meant to be here, for us forever. Big Mama was there when my own mother abandoned me; giving me all the love, advice and wisdom. When she passed I could not get this idea of living with my mother as something to be embraced. My journey was about being able to get through and live by the words of my grandmother, until I was able to make it on my own. How was I going to make it and who was going to guide me when I needed it the most? Jan, my mother, was someone I could never look up to or embrace as family. Her life decisions centered on this drug addicted man and ultimately neglecting he children. I used to look at her and wonder “how can a woman be so blind and be so self-centered?” She worked, paid the bills and carried him. Never mind the fact her own flesh and blood needing her. Much of her existence was based upon having a “man” and not what showed her best in life. As the older sibling, I had to be strong and give my younger sister and brothers the balance in their lives, my mother failed to provide. I had to remember the wise words of Big Mama and be better than the product of where I came. So many nights I had to cry to God and question ”why?” Was I that bad of a person to have to be subjected to the late night crack binges, Jan’s constant running the streets looking for her “man”? When would the visits to the ER stop? This shell of a person would jump on her whenever he felt like it and so many times I went without the basic necessities because he demanded money for reasons of his own. Luckily Big Mama had instilled the knowledge of God, so when
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