I Am Tired

1914 Words8 Pages
I am TIRED... Not physically tired, per say... But rather, I’m tired of being hated. I’m tired of being the “player” the” asshole” the “creep”. It’s so very tiring being me and being “ME” makes that quite a feat. People say that everything will turn out better (in the end, of course), if I merely act as myself and yet, at least thus far, I have found that to be profoundly false. Things don’t turn out better when you “BE yourself” - You can trust me on this - I’m an expert at being MY TRUE SELF. Well, perhaps even that is not exactly true. I say this, because I know that I show you what I WANT YOU to SEE. I do this because it simply seems a better alternative to being the person whom I am, shrouded by iron clad cloaks of the “me” that I share with you. It is better this way. And it is this very realization, as I sit here and bear my soul to you, that I show the actual me the faults and scars hidden behind the very deceit that I am so tired of. It feels as though this charade is “the end of ME” – the one condensed into a tiny ball, residing at the pit of my “other me.” I fear that If I were EXACTLY, on the outside, as I exist within myself, the outcome, yours and the “others” reactions, might even be worse than that which I currently endure. I am not free. I am not comfortable with WHO I AM. My outward confidence is the makings of an intricate façade and I know that I’m a pretty good actor, so I developed an alien within me. I imagine what you see is the paradise but behind the cardboard cutout is the very monster of my real self whatever he may be. Admittedly, you don’t know the whole story. There was a point in my life when I was truly as close to being MYSELF as I can even now imagine ever having been. I was in 7th grade and I didn’t know any better than to be “ME.” This was due to long term of isolation in the previous year. It never even
Open Document