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I’ve been labeled as having a somewhat emotionless demeanor. Of course I still laugh and talk with people, but with what happened to me in my past, I have never been the same. With the death of my father at ten, I have been unable to really express how I feel in certain situations. Not to be cliché, but when he died, a part of me died as well. As an example, my girlfriend broke up with me because she could never tell what I was thinking. I wasn’t good at expressing my feelings for her and that caused all sorts of confusion for her. It was a mutual break-up we say, but I think she broke up with me technically because I was messing with her head without ever meaning too. Relationships aside, I have trouble in everyday situations trying to express how I feel. Most of the time, my response to something when I can’t really express how I feel is to smile and shrug my shoulders. Most times than not, this confuses and annoys people. They are not annoyed to the extent where they would start a verbal argument or anything like that, but people have confronted me after the fact and repeated their question or explained the situation again that had gone on earlier that day. I have caused my mom a great deal of pain due to the fact that I would never talk to her about my father and consequently she would worry about me. I try to keep my emotions hidden for a reason that I cannot explain right now and I hope I can find some way so that I can avoid making the same mistake in any future relationships.
Because I cannot express myself too well, it brings down my self-esteem and my confidence which further hinders me from ever making any lasting relationships or friendships. It takes a while for me to be able to show even a glimpse of who I really am and sometimes once I do, it is too late to establish any kind of a friendship or relationship. I will just be waved away as if I were a fly buzzing around someone’s ear. I sometimes wonder how I would be today if...